I've had a lot on my mind recently and I think my fingers have been itching to get it out. It seems like every 6 months or so I remember about this blog and start pouring all of my thoughts into it in hopes of making up past time.
Give it ten minutes here and I'll probably end up putting this into my drafts folder only to find it again in August.
The past few months have been a whirlwind. New classes, job transitioning, an internship that I sometimes feel under qualified for, and a whole lotta life lessons that have been hitting me in the face rather than kindly presenting themselves neatly in front of me.
My roommate even so lovingly put it today as I was telling her about my newest obstacle, "ash your life kinda sucks. You just can't catch a break."
I mean she's not wrong hahaha But oddly I'm at peace with it all right now.
Like enough to get me wondering what's making me feel so okay. You know what I realized?? (Which wasn’t a huge epiphany but it was a tender realization) I was reminded that God's got my back and even though sometimes I feel like my faith has run away from me, it's still there. And God still hears me.
Today as I was driving to class I was reviewing my finances in my head and came to the realization I had forgotten to make a payment that was supposed to have been paid (I’m talking tithing people). At the time, I was making payments for school and my housing and it just slipped my mind. Today, it came to me in a sudden horror. How could I have forgotten?? It was an obvious reminder that my priorities haven't all been together lately.
I have a strong belief in paying tithing because I've seen the blessings of it in my life before and this was very unlike me to just forget.
As this realization came to me I knew I immediately needed to take care of it. So, there I was parked in the school parking lot grumbling because the Wi-Fi stinks. My initial reaction was that it was reeeaaallly unfortunate timing to remember because hi I'm leaving for Paris on Friday. But I paid it and immediately thought, "I didn't need it anyway."
There was a feeling of peace, ya know, that good things are coming. And that's all I needed from it. I trust that financially it will work but also that God will recognize that sacrifice because it's never easy to give up money you've worked hard to make.
And he certainly has. In the past 6 hours, huge blessings have come. Maybe not monetary blessings but things I've been really needing for a while now.
Not to steal thunder from such an important tender mercy today...but imma be honest. It's been a little hard lately.
I have battled a sinus infection for the past month. I'm as stubborn as they come when it comes to the doctor. I would rather shave my head off than have to deal with medical appointments, bills or anything of the sorts. But this past week I finally broke down and went to the doctors where he gifted me a set of four fun antibiotics. It was at that point I realized I really needed to start taking care of myself more. I read something the other day about how taking care of ourselves isn't just getting our hair done or treating ourselves to something new. It's the hard stuff. Getting to bed early (any tips on this? I am begging you), it's saying no to out of town excursions when you have too much homework (the most awful word I've ever let come to of my mouth), and it's respecting yourself and your feelings.
I am an all or nothing kind of girl. All of the donuts...or no donuts at all. This has been a great blessing in my life when it comes to getting things done because I won't stop until I've finished (I got that from my dad) but it's also the biggest curse. I let myself stay out too late, say "so what" to the homework due the next day or splurge on a jean jacket that is missing 75% of the jean. Yeah. I bought it. And it's been the best purchase to date. So, forget about that one.
What I am trying to get in all of this is that I am nooooooot perfect, obviously. And every day I am reminded of it. For a long time, I tried hard to be what I though was perfect. To successfully juggle the jobs, and the homework, and the social life, and getting to the gym. I would always think "one day I'll have my life together, one day I'll do this right." And now I'm just sitting here thinking to myself. That day isn't coming. It never will. And interestingly enough, it's the most reassuring thing to happen to me since I found out that Diet Coke is healthy for you ha jk I wish.
You know when they say you've gotta fall in love with yourself before you can let other people love you? And I don't just mean that about romantic relationships. I mean that about all relationships. Well I'm learning a lot about it. I've always had this preconceived notion that being attractive comes from your outward appearance so I always tried to put more work into that than who I actually was. I kept my personality neatly tucked away because it was scary to be so vulnerable and to open up to people. And it was easier and more fun to buy new clothes or make up. But did you know you're no fun without your personality? Yeah weird how I'm just discovering this. It's like I knew of the idea but didn't grasp the actual concept. And this isn't the first thing to strike me with such force. You know when your mom used to tell you things and you didn't quite internalize them and then all of a sudden one day you just had this ah ha! moment that makes you never want to second guess your mother again. I've lost count of those moments because I've had a lot of them.
Instead of comparing my life and my experiences I have started taking joy in seeing how happy other people are and what they are doing. I don't care about what other people think and I don't have the energy anymore to compete with others. I think it's only human to have these emotions sometimes but I also think that growing up helps you realize what's important and what's not. I love my life. I love my friends, I love my family and I cherish the experiences I've been able to have. Sometimes I sit and look back on pictures and it only affirms that God knows me better than I know myself. He knows I love to travel and meet new people and in awe I look at some of the places I've been and it makes me feel so lucky that someone would care so much about me to let me have those experiences.
Plus, these opportunities have become even better because I know they won't ever be perfect. They all come with their own set of trials. I expect the negative now because sometimes, yeah, life's a real shizzzz show (I do it to myself) but sometimes those trials become the biggest blessings in our lives. They teach you to enjoy every moment for what it has to offer and ask for help when you don't feel like you can go any further. Asking for help is seriously hard people. But I'm learning you've gotta do it.
When you find the people, who love you and support you and keep your best interests at heart it makes the really hard things okay. They help you pick up the slack and they pat you on the back even though you may have just made a huge mistake in dropping a class. They drive all the way up to Logan with cookies just because you said you had a bad day. They love you when you say no to fun things because you gotta put the mac n cheese on the table for yourself and they understand when you just don't have it all together. Like all the time.
God puts people in our lives so that we can enjoy our time here, to uplift us and to make us feel as important and special as he thinks we are. I sincerely hope I can be that friend to others and I'm so grateful for every person in my life that has shown me how to do this.
And those are my thoughts. The end.
Love, Lundie
